Why I Will Not Serve in Jeremy Corbyn’s Cabinet

Overcome with Corbynista euphoria, as so may others have been in the last 48 hours, I popped into town this morning to buy some new shoes. To welcome the first signs of the coming socialist republic, I didn’t just buy new shoes – for the first time since Michael Foot was party leader, I bought an entirely new style of shoe. This symbolic shift from the three-hole hard leather to the five-hole soft leather Doc Marten represents not – as my critics have claimed – that the shop did not have any of the former in stock in the right size but the deeply-held belief, shared by Jeremy and I, that the labour movement is a broad church. Co-operation requires concessions, and it is incumbent upon us all to welcome diversity and change.

However, after lengthy discussions over the weekend, it became clear that our new leader was utterly intransigent on the question of home-knitted sweaters and would never embrace our revolutionary comrade, the noble cardigan. This is a key point of difference on policy which I believe it would be dishonest to deny exists. If Jeremy’s clear victory on Saturday demonstrated anything, it was a desire for politicians to be true to what they believe – I want to abide by this. Given this difference, I would find it difficult to abide by the collective responsibility that comes with serving in the shadow cabinet.

Furthermore, I must denounce as groundless rumour the vile calumny, being circulated by disgruntled Blairites and the Tory press, that I intend to cease wearing black t-shirts to everything – as hopefully today’s other new purchases in the backdrop of the above picture make clear.

Mark