The best and worst things about the Malta/Gozo holiday


36727174431_5d0d97ab38_zBest: The 4000 year-old mummified crocodile; the lizards, the gecko and the flying fish; the cheap buses that always run on time even though the clocks on them are always wrong; the Neolithic, Bronze Age and Phoenician sites; the ridiculously bad films introducing various sites (especially at Gozo’s citadel and the Hypogeum); the sausages, the seafood and the cheeselets.
Worst: The crazy-ass Catholic shit that rapidly goes from being ‘local colour’ to ‘oppressively ubiquitous’ without parking long enough in ‘hilarious tat’.

bearBest: The refreshing complete absence of seagulls.
Worst: The ominous complete absence of seagulls.

Best: Starting a long walk at 6.30am before the sun comes up at 7.30am and the day gets too hot.
Worst: The killer humidity from 6.30-7.30am.

Best: The ten minutes from 7.30-7.40am when the sun first comes up and burns off all the humidity.
solarisWorst: The killer heat from 7.40am onwards.

Worst: The reluctance of dog owners to clean up dog shit.
Best: The speed with which the sun dries out dog shit.

Best: The locals’ refusal to queue for buses.

When mock tudor is beyond mockery

Worst: The psychotic glee with which ex-pats and tourists abandon the practice of queuing for buses. (Seriously, when the Brits have to return to the UK after Brexit, they will threaten the very fabric of our ordered and orderly society.)

Worst: The widespread inability to move down the bus to allow more passengers to board.
Best: The road-to-Damascus light of revelation in the eyes of passengers when they finally grasp the concept of moving down the bus to allow more passengers to board.

Best: How cheap the wine is.
Worst: How far our apartment was from the off-licence.

When Malta itself…
…is not enough

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