Bah! Humbug! It’s Mark’s long-awaited, newly-minted Xmas joke

and so anyway, me and Jesus were walking around the mall the other day, bemoaning, as you do, all the tinsel and streamers and baubles and flying reindeer displays and proliferating grottoes, our ears assailed by a cacophony of festive banalities by Elvis and Slade and Jona Lewie and Shakin’ Stevens and David Bowie/Bing Crosby and Band Aid and Wham and Chris Rea and the Pogues/Kirsty MacColl and the Wombles and Wizzard and Perry Como and Andy Williams and Mud and Boney M and Cliff Richard and the Pipes & Drums & Military Band of The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards and Mr Hankey booming out of different stores, and I turned to Jesus and asked him, ‘Of all the Xmas singles, which is your favourite?’

And, lo, Jesus, despairing, turned to me, and said: ‘Meretricious. Every one.’


(‘Oh, so Shakie it is.’)