Bah! Humbug! It’s Mark’s long-awaited, newly-minted Xmas joke

and so anyway, me and Jesus were walking around the mall the other day, bemoaning, as you do, all the tinsel and streamers and baubles and flying reindeer displays and proliferating grottoes, our ears assailed by a cacophony of festive banalities by Elvis and Slade and Jona Lewie and Shakin’ Stevens and David Bowie/Bing Crosby and Band Aid and Wham and Chris Rea and the Pogues/Kirsty MacColl and the Wombles and Wizzard and Perry Como and Andy Williams and Mud and Boney M and Cliff Richard and the Pipes & Drums & Military Band of The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards and Mr Hankey booming out of different stores, and I turned to Jesus and asked him, ‘Of all the Xmas singles, which is your favourite?’

And, lo, Jesus, despairing, turned to me, and said: ‘Meretricious. Every one.’


(‘Oh, so Shakie it is.’)


Star Wars: The Force Awakens (JJ Abrams 2015)

_1443544274and so anyway it turns out that the best thing about Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2014) is not the way tumbleweed blows across the Tatooine desert when Simon Pegg makes his desperately unfunny ‘Rey gun’ joke, nor is it the revelation that the ‘home’ Han is so glad to be back at is the one in which his grandkids have dumped him, where he rooms with Bruce Campbell’s Elvis and Ossie Davis’s JFK, no, the best thing about the new Star Wars movie is the eighteen months of misdirection during which Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill straight-up straightface lied about the next Jump Street movie cross-over being with the Men in Black franchise…